I noticed a plethoria of snake movies on the SciFi Channel for Christmas. I don't know what it means, but I taped an 8 hour block and watched them today. They are pretty much crap. I still don't get that snakes thing. Maybe they don't celebrate Christmas on the SciFi channel.
The first wiggly hors d'oeuvre was the 2004 Boa Vs Python. A smarmy casino owner and big game hunter hosts a giant snake kill-a-thon for some other rich pricks. The snake escapes on the way and the hunt is on. The government enlists a tracking specialist and a guy who has a giant snake. Lots of people die, but who cares, mostly they are jerks or blowhards. A couple of civilians get theirs and a couple of soldiers get eaten but what are you gonna do. Not watch this movie again. Luckily I hadn't paid for it, although watching it on the SciFi channel means all the nudity is cut out. Not that some titties are going to make this movie any better, perhaps numb the pain for a moment or two. I'll buy some crap but it'll be crap that I like and want to watch again. There is no helicopter in the movie, just on the box, and the snakes are not that colorful. Then the giant snakes fight in the subway, one gets it's head lopped off by a subway car. It's bad CGI. Most of these movies have bad CGI. The acting isn't much better, but it goes well with the so-so direction. It's mostly average and there isn't a Bruce Campbell to make me care even a little bit. Into the bin with you, you undercooked pig in a blanket. 2.7 on IMDb.
King Cobra, from 1999,was the second feature I watched. It's definitely a meat and potatoes picture. And that meat is boiled meat, not something where you'd say, "Oh! That's good." There's not even a good gravy. The dvd box sucks too. Some scientists create an aggression drug which gets in a giant snake. Oops. The snake gets out. Double oops. It's a cross between an African King Cobra and an Eastern Diamondback. Is that bad? I could give a shit about snakes. Perhaps like many mixed race people, that snake is having an issue with it place in current racial society. Nope, it's just agressive and hungry. It's 30 feet long, and partially CGI and partially puppet. The puppets are done by the Chiodo Brothers, best known for their work in the recent Team America and the still wonderful Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Unfortunately, the snake puppets aren't the best. And neither are the actors, which include Hoyt Axton and Pat Morita, and an especially bad Eric Estrada who plays a flamboyantly gay man. 2.7 on IMDb.
Project Viper had a different twist. Snakes only in the name. Kind of like a soy burger. "Hey! That not real!". This low budget film was Jim Wynorski's 3rd film for 2002. He's made 63 films since 1885. I dare you to find a good one from this list. A liquid metal type of life form is created to live on Mars. It's a living thinking acid. Aboard a shuttle it gets loose and eats the crew. On earth a prototype is stolen, which manages to escape and it starts killing. The movies minor big names are Patrick Muldoon, whom some of you might remember as Smarmy Guy in Starship Troopers, and Theresa Russell, whom I don't remember in much of anything, although I have seen a lot of her movies. I always like to see Tim Thomerson, he's the sheriff, he's in a lot of low budget movies. Project Viper was just one of 116 in his thirty year career. You can actually find a good movie or 2 in his list of films, but you have to really look. Curtis Armstrong plays a science guy, but there's nothing to recommend about that. Nor is there really isn't much to recommend on this film either. 3.2 on IMDb.
As dessert Silent Predators was something you'd normally like alot but proved mediocre upon tasting. Like that Baklava I had at work last week. It had all the right ingredients but they just didn't come out right in the processing. There was one area where Silent Predators beat the last film. In Snakes! There was an abundance of snakes, but only the regular size type. No giant ones, just regular size, but a shit load of 'em. Based on an unproduced 1970's John Carpenter script this 1999 movie has nearly nothing to offer. That's a bit harsh. It has nothing to offer. Some rattle snakes attack a town. Big deal. Harry Hamlin's the good guy and Jack Scalia is the bad guy. Again big deal. I have to admit by the time I got to this movie I was pretty much disinterested in seeing yet another piece of crap. I was wishin' the snake would win but nope. They get trounced. At least they took some townies with 'em. Ha. The director Noel Nosseck has 39 things under directing on the IMDb. Many were made for tv in his nearly 40 year career and Tornado was one of them. That's a much better film than Silent Predators, plus it has the added attraction of Bruce Campbell in a non-goofy role. Harry Hamlin, you are no Bruce Campbell. 3.8 on IMDb.
I can't imagine why the last movie scored better than the rest, I guess people really like Harry Hamlin. I prefer the Bruce guy, especially in these kind of movies. It's so hard to get a low budget film to work. Some of the ones that do work are some of my favorite movies. At best, these four films are a help fillin' time 'til you die. Still it's better to make an effort to watch something better. On the plus side that's 4 more movies on my yearly list, and lord knows that list isn't about quality. I should just break 200 new movies this year, and they can't all be winners. Luckily most aren't stinkers like these. That's some bad cookin'.