PRIMITIVE SCREWHEADS

Fat Slags 2004

Fat Slags 2004 Written by William Osborne and directed by Ed Bye. A British comedy based on the Fat Slags comic from Viz. You might recognize Ed Bye, he's been directing British comedy for decades, The Young Ones, Filthy, Rich And Catflap, The Two Ronnies, Red Dwarf, Bottom and plenty more funny programs and films.

Sandra and Tracey are the two plus size women in the poster. Fiona Allen plays Sandra and Sophie Thompson plays Tracey. When we meet them they're getting bollixed by their foreman for their poor work habits. They are crude, self absorbed, vile and amazingly dim. While their foreman is talking to them the factory blows up because Sandra left her cutting torch burning. Now they have to find new jobs. Lucky for them they get a letter inviting them to appear on a talk show in London.

Jerry O'Connell plays a billionaire called Sean, he takes a flower pot to the head and becomes insane. He sees the gals on the talk show and takes a liking to them. Sean's lawyer is called Victor, he's played by Anthony Head. Victor gets the job of finding the gals and bringing them to Sean. A fashion designer is paid to make a range of clothes based on the gals look, generally they prefer brightly colored track suits stretched to the limit by flab. Because it's in the script the country goes mental over the fashion look and the gals become popular, especially after exposing their breasts on TV.

Geri Halliwell plays Sean's assistant Paige, she tries gaining some weight to be more like the gals. Tracey and Sandra fight over Sean, Tracey goes on a date with him after knocking Sandra out. Tracey accidentally bites Sean's dick off when his limo crashes to avoid running over some nuns in the road. The gals get locked up after a fight between them kills the General Secretary of the World. They get tossed in the Tower Of London. Sean gets hit on the head and comes to his senses. The gals are trashed and dumped. They head home to their boyfriends and show off their boobs while dancing at the pub. Life is back to normal for these idiots.

There's a ton of other actors I didn't mention, until now, James Dreyfus, Naomi Campbell, Angus Deayton, Hugh Dennis, Lederere, Rick Gervais, John Thompson and Dolph Lundgren. They were the ones I knew of, mostly cameos and small parts, there were still more small parts.

The film was panned by the critics and it scores a 1.9 on the IMDb, justifiably I thought. It has 4000 votes. I joined the 53% who gave it a 1. I couldn't take the chance that giving it a 2 might bring the score up a bit. Lots of people gave it a 10, 27%, reminding me people are bat shit crazy. I would guess some votes could have been bought.

I didn't care for the characters much at all. The jokes are tired old dogs with plenty of pounds packed on. I wasn't even cracking a smile. Graham Dury, the comic creator said he 'was so appalled by the film, he threatened to stop drawing the strips'. We'd be all better off had he never drawn it. The film got listed as one of the worst British film ever made. You can see it on YouTube, link above. There are animated versions of the gals too. I couldn't bring myself to watch them.

Joe Lycett's United States Of Birmingham

Just finished watching Joe Lycett's United States of Birmingham and it was joyous. Joe spent a month in the US going to all the Birmingham towns to get document of friendship signed by the mayor or other reps. Joe spent a lot of time on a bus with his driver Randy and the film crew. Most of the Birmingham towns are small and scattered across the middle eastern part of the US. Joe had various adventures in each town. The last episode of four took place in Birmingham Alabama and Birmingham UK.

In Joe's beloved home town the Mayor signed all the friendship agreements and partied with local dignitaries and famous rock stars like Black Sabbath, Joan Armatrading and UB40. There was a parade and Joe dressed appropriately. Joe even brought Randy and three other Americans he'd meet in Birminghams. They got to tour Birmingham with Joe and were part of the celebration. It's good reminder that there are decent folks out there and Joe is a brilliant comedian. He just won the BAFTA for Late Night Lycett, for the second time. Joe's aunts were invited to the celebration. It was nice to see them again.

Science Fiction Sunday 846

Quatermass TV Serial 1979 Written by Nigel Kneale, directed by Piers Haggard. Verity Lambert was the Executive producer. A four part TV serial that aired in October and November 1979 on ITV. The producers created a 100 movie version called The Quatermass Conclusion for the US and other countries. John Mills stars as Bernard Quatermass.

Set in a troubled future with massive urban collapse in the worlds largest cities. Quatermass has retired to a small town in Scotland. He's come to London to appear on a TV show only to get attacked near the studio. A man called Joe Kapp helps run the baddies off. He's an astronomer who was scheduled to appear on the same show. He has a radio telescope. The show is about the joint American and Russian space program. Two ships are to dock but something happens and they are destroyed.

Joe takes Quatermass back to his home which is next to his radio telescope. They encounter the Planet People, hippy like young people who believe that space aliens will take them to another planet for a better life. Turns out space aliens are taking them but not to another planet. A bright beam of light turns them into ash. Over time Quatermass figures out that it's aliens and they're harvesting humans for something, much like humans harvest musk deer for their musk.

Quatermass assembles a team of scientists to figure out how to fight the alien. He's going to set off a 35 kiloton nuclear weapon. He's going to attract the alien's attention by faking a gathering of young people. Quatermass and Joe are going to manually set off the nuke. As the trap is set the Planet People arrive, among them is Quatermass's grand daughter. Joe is killed and Quatermass has a heart attack, his grand daughter helps him set off the bomb. The Earth survives and so far no alien attacks. Maybe they are gone. Who knows.

I saw the movie version back in the 80s and hadn't watched it since. It's my least favorite of the Quatermass stories. The 204 min TV version is fairly well done but show going and rather depressing. Originally the BBC had the production but let it go after reasoning the budget was too much for them and the story too depressing. ITV got it and it didn't pull in the punters as they hoped. I'm thinking I wouldn't bother with it again. You can see both the serial and the movie version on Dailymotion.

Friday Night Movies 1046

Tilbury 1987 Written by Þórarinn Eldjárn and Viðar Víkingsson, directed by Viðar Víkingsson. An Icelandic TV film based on the folk horror tale of the Tilberi.It's part of the Severn folk horror box set All The Haunts Are Ours.

The movie is set during WW2 when the British were stationed in Iceland in 1940, the US moved in when they joined the war effort in 1941. A teen age farmer called Auðun wants to be a champion swimmer, he goes to Reyjavik to use the larger pool than the one available in his village. He encounters the British Army who are dating the local ladies. 

Auðun knows a couple of the ladies, Gudrún and Sigrún both came from his village. Auðun has a big crush on Gudrún but it turns out she's dating a General in the British Army. The General is an odd looking guy and as the story unfolds it turns that's the least interesting part of his personality. As Auðun digs into the General and his lady friend he finds out that the military man is a tilberi and Gudrún is his victim.

There's a fair bit of day to day life going on, some swimming and some interaction with the British soldiers. Auðun tries to investigate the tilberi but he's not much of a detective. Some of the activity is rather comical, the dance sequence is fun, and some of the gore effects are both serious and silly. The Icelandic sense of humor is rather dour but I enjoyed the quirky story. It ends with one of those scenes that have little meaning.

I though this was more entertaining than the other two films I watched this evening. I'd watch it again some time. I want to take a look at the extras at some point. 

The Dreaming 1988 Written by Mario Andreacchio, Rob George and Stephanie McCarthy, directed Mario Andreacchio. An Australian movie infused with aboriginal mythology. Part of All The Haunts Are Ours set.

Dr Cathy Thornton treats an aboriginal woman who was beaten by security guards after she broke into a museum with some native friends. She dies leaving Cathy upset. That night she dreams the dead woman is outside her window and some whaling men break into her house. Her father Bernard is an archaeologist who's arguing with his university over a dig on Kangaroo Island. He calls Cathy the next day to tell her that her mother has died. The university shuts down the dig because of aboriginal protests but Bernard doesn't care, he's gone back to the island. Cathy follows.

Cathy continues to have bad dreams. More horrible things happen, her husband dies and she pushes her father off a lighthouse when he chases her up the tower. It's all rather lack luster and dull. I sure didn't care that much for it. I'm unlikely to watch it again. The aboriginal story line is the most interesting thing in the movie. There is some nice scenery, especially along the coast and on the island. It all makes me less likely to want to purchase the second Severn box set of folk horror.

Kadaicha 1988 Written by Ian Coughlan and directed by James Bogle. Another from the Severn box set All The Haunts Are Ours. It's also called Stones Of Death.

Someone is killing local teenagers. Turns out some of the houses are built over an aboriginal burial ground. Naughty, naughty. Gail's dad Eric is the developer who built the houses, knowingly illegal. Her friends have been attacked and she's on the hit list. Eric refuses to believe her it's supernatural and more kids die. The rest of the movie is filled with running about and murdering teens.

It's pretty much average but slightly more entertaining than the previous movie. I'd watch it again but who knows when that's going to happen. I do want to check out the extras at some point.

The Nightmare Worlds Of H G Wells Series 1 2016

The Nightmare Worlds Of H G Wells Series 1 2016 Based on H G Wells stories, series created, produced and written by Graham Duff, directed by Adrian Shergold. Four episodes aired in January and February 2016. Graham Duff is an actor writer who created one of my favorite shows Ideal.

The four stories are The Late Mr Elvesham, The Devotee Of Art, The Moth and The Purple Pileus. Each story has characters who make poor decisions and suffers consequences. In The Late Mr Elvesham a man gets robbed of his youth, acting on impulse he makes his situation even worse. The other characters make similar choices and fare poorly. All are set in the Victorian Era with Ray Winstone as H G Wells doing some narration.

They shows have some good actors and decent production values. The 23 min length supports the story type. They are a bit creepy but none of them are outstanding and the series gets a deserved 5.9 on the IMDb. Having Wells narrate so much made the stories weaker than they could have been. I mostly enjoyed them but probably wouldn't bother with them again. Sad, I've watched Ideal 4 or 5 times and still enjoy it.

Father Brown 1954

Father Brown 1954 Based on The Blue Cross by G K Chesterton, screenplay by Thelma Schnee, Maurice Rapf and Robert Hamer, directed by Robert Hamer. The film was released in the US under the title The Detective. The movie was produced by Paul F Moss, the husband of Thelma Schnee. The picture was released on June 8 and Moss died 5 days later. Thelma had given birth to a daughter on June 5 1954. Alex Guinness plays Father Brown and Peter Finch plays Gustav Flambeau.

Father Brown is caught stuffing a safe with cash, he was putting the money back to help a parishioner, played by Sidney James, the police don't believe him and pop him in the nick. The Bishop comes to confirm who he is and the police let him out. He gets a telling off by the Bishop, played by Cecil Parker, who then informs him he's to loan his church's 1200 year old cross to a meeting in Rome. The police, in the form of Inspector Valentine, played by Bernard Lee, want to ship the cross with guards to keep it from being stolen by famous thief Gustav Flambeau. Father Brown refuses their help, stating he'll carry the cross in a nondescript parcel, hiding in plain site as it were.

Father Brown makes it to Paris before Flambeau, disguised as a priest, steals the cross. He leaves Father Brown tied up in a catacomb. Now Father Brown is in hot water with the church hierarchy. He tries to lure Flambeau out with a fancy silver chess set belonging to his friend Lady Warren, played by Joan Greenwood, but the thief proves to be slippery and runs off with the set. When Father Brown and Lady Warren return to her house they find Flambeau there with the chess set. Sidney James's character is now Lady Warren's chauffeur. Valentine turns up and Father Brown helps him escape.

Now Father Brown is in trouble with the church and the police, he runs off to Paris to try to find Flambeau and get the cross back. He follows the few clues he has and successfully locates Flambeau. He wants hm to repent and return everything he stole. That almost works, the police show up and recover the goods but the thief escapes. Days later Flambeau turns up at Father Brown's church during the sermon.

It's an entertaining movie with a good script and cast. Besides the few mentioned I knew Ernest Clarke, Sam Kydd, John Horsley, Jack McNaughton and Eugene Deckers. I found it on the Internet Archive, link above. I'll definitely want to watch it again sometime.

Murder In Eden 1961

Murder In Eden 1961 Based on a story by John Haggerty, screenplay by H E Burden, directed by Max Varnel. A British art forgery crime film that was filmed in Ireland. 

An art expert tells a gallery owner that the painting of Eve is a fake. Shortly after he's run down by a big car. A French reporter sticks her nose in everywhere. A policeman on the art forgery squad takes a liking to her but it's a doomed relationship. There's plenty of driving about and chatting.

Not a good film, the script is weak, the jokes are tired, I gave it a generous 5. I did like some of the Irish scenery.

Murder At Dawn 1932

Murder At Dawn 1932 Original story and screenplay by Barry Barringer, directed by Richard Thorpe. An American old dark house sort of mystery that was called The Death Ray in the UK. Oddly enough, there is no death ray in the film. The poster is a lie.

A couple want to visit her father to tell him they are getting married. The couple and their best man and woman travel by train to his country mansion. The bride's father is a scientist who's invented a secret device to get power from sunlight. When they get the father's house they get tossed into a mystery, a man is murdered and the bride's father has disappeared. The couple and their pals stumble around the big house while the housekeeper's son tries to coerce the formula out of father. Misha Auer plays the housekeeper's son. Probably the most interesting thing in the movie for me.

Sadly it's a limp biscuit of a film. You've seen everything before, usually better. The jokes are weak and the all the running about is more tiring than fun. I found it on YouTube. you can find it there but I wouldn't recommend it.

Science Fiction Sunday 845

Quatermass II 1957 Based on the 1955 TV serial Quatermass II by Nigel Kneale, screenplay by Nigel Kneale and Val Guest, directed by Val Guest. I've seen this several times over the years as well as multiple viewings of the TV serial. I posted about it back in 2015 and included a link to the TV serials for both movies on the Internet Archive. The Quatermass series was produced and released by Hammer Productions.

Aliens are invading Britain, Quatermass finds out about it when he stops to help a couple in a car who have had an accident. The aliens are arriving in small stone meteors, then they burst open near a human they take over that human and turn it into an unwilling slave. The aliens have built a giant facility in Winnerden Flats. Quatermass arranges a trip there and finds out things don't add up. The scene the burnt man made an impression on me when I saw it

The nearby townies get riled up when the guards for the project invade the local pub and kill a newspaper reporter who was calling a story into the paper. The reporter was played by one of my favorite actors, Sid James. The locals rise and attack the plant. There's a ferocious battle as the townies take over a control room. Quatermass figures how to sabotage the system. One of the townies fires a rocket at the big dome and it blows up. Giant creatures are revealed and eventually burnt to a crisp. Quatermass's rocket is launched to destroy the alien's secret base in space.

It's my favorite of the Quatermass films, there's a nice mix of science, investigating and action. I upgraded to the Blu-ray to get all the extras. Now to find time to watch all those too. Also mentioned on that post is a Edward Everett Horton film called The Body Disappears. A comedy invisible man movie that can be found on the Internet Archive. Worth a look. I'm downloading a upgrade to the copy I taped off of TCM.

Quatermass And The Pit 1967 Based on the BBC TV serial by Nigel Kneale, screenplay by Nigel Kneale, directed by Roy Ward Baker. A Hammer film that I've seen several times. I blogged about this film and the first two adaptations in 2010. Here's a blog post about the TV versions of Quatermass II and Quatermass And The Pit from 2010.

Quatermass winds up helping determine what the strange object found while rebuilding the underground station at Hobb's End is all about. Turns out to be another alien invasion. The artifact is from 5,000,000 years ago but it's still active. Over the millions of years it's affected the locals and it was the same at Hobb's End, people have been driven mad by the psychic energy.

They open the artifact and find desiccated bug people, dead for 5 million years. The artifact is their ship and it's what's active. Eventually Quatermass destroys the active bit of the ship and the world is saved once again. Yay.

I also bought the Blu-ray of this film for the extras. Time, yada, yada.

Friday Night Movies 1045

X The Unknown 1956 Story and screenplay by Jimmy Sangster, directed by Leslie Norman. A Hammer film with Dean Jagger as the scientist who saves the day. I recently picked up the Blu-ray of the film. We'd watched it on FNM back in April 2016. I'm home sick so I decided to watch it myself so I can pack the BR away. 

Some soldiers are attacked by some radioactive mud. The Army is puzzled and calls in some scientists, Dean Jagger comes from the Atomic Energy Laboratory, Leo McKern joins Dean, Leo's the head of security of the UK Atomic Energy Commission. While the work to figure out what's going on the body count rises, men, women and little boys are all victims to the sludge. Dean figures out how to kill the creature before the end of the movie.

I've seen it several times over the years an still enjoy it. I'll have to get around to the commentary sometime.

Lake Of The Dead 1958 Based on the 1942 novel by  André Bjerke, screenplay by André Bjerke and Kåre Bergstrøm, directed by Kåre Bergstrøm. Both writer and director appear in the film as members of the group visiting the cabin. A Norwegian folk horror film from the All The Haunts Be Ours box set from Severin. It's taking a while for me to get through the set but that's life.

A group of six friends from Oslo travel by train to the Østeral forest to visit the brother of one of the group. When they get to his cabin the brother is missing. They find his dog dead, shot in the head, by the lake. The lake has a legend about a double murder and suicide that happened a number of years before. The story goes that anyone who stays in the cabin will drown themselves in the lake.

A couple of the group do die, then the brother turns up. He's crazy and his brain is filled with thoughts of murder. Not a group one would want to socialize with. Eventually things are sorted out and some of them go home.

It's rather lackluster and dour but it's short, 77 min, length helps getting to the end. It was interesting enough, I hope to rewatch it again someday. I also hope to  get to the extras at some point.