PRIMITIVE SCREWHEADS

Friday Night Movies 1043

Bohachi Bushido: Code Of The Forgotten Eight 1973 Based on the manga Bohachi Bushido by Kazuo Koike and Goseki Kojima, screenplay by Susumu Saji, directed by Teruo Ishi. A Japanese erotic action film set in the past.

An assassin called Shinō Ashita escapes some samurai by jumping into a river, members of the Bohachi clan rescue him. The head of the Bohachi offers him the job of killing the customers of the local low end prostitution rings operating out of tea houses in Edo. They're cutting into the Bohachi's trade. Ashita is ordered to bring the sex workers to the Bohachi clan, they have a royal warrant to run the Yoshiwara in Edo, they need huge flocks of naked ladies to supply their customers with good times. The Yoshiwara is a designated prostitution area. The Bohachi's warrant literately lets them get away with murder making Ashita safe from getting arrested for killing the local johns.

The Bohachi have a strict code of conduct that forgets the 8 traditional virtues,  justice, courage, benevolence, politeness, honesty, honor, loyalty and self-control. Any deviation from the code usually leads to death for the rule breaker. The leader of the Bohachi is Shirobei Daimon. He assigns 5 lady ninja's to keep an eye on Ashita, they run around naked a lot. Sending them back to the Yoshiwara turns Daimon against Ashita and they all fight among themselves until the Bohachi clan is nearly destroyed.

The film is packed with sword fights and sex. There's acres of naked skin on screen. For an action nudie flick it's well made and very colorful. It's quite entertaining and a movie I'd watch again some time. 

Postal 2007 Written by Uwe Boll and Bryan C Knight, directed by Ewe Boll. It's based on the Running With Scissors game called Postal. Boll was interested in the project because of the game's political incorrectness.

Zack Ward plays a loser who's lacking a job on top of all his other problems. He lives in a filthy trailer in a rundown park with his enormous wife. She's a vile monster who bangs all the locals while poor Zack is out of the trailer. Zack's uncle is played by Dave Foley, he's set up in a doomsday religious cult's compound with his followers. Sadly he's neglected to pay taxes and he could face some jail time. Dave's got a plan to raise some money, he's going to steal some Krotchy Dolls, they're penis shaped dolls that have become rare because of a shipping accident in which the production run was almost completely destroyed. They're selling for $4000 each and there's a stock of 2,000 in the German themed amusement park called Little Germany.

Osama bin Laden and his men also plan to steal the dolls, they want to hide a virus in them, this way they can kill thousands of Americans. Dave and his gals manage to get the dolls into a truck with Zack's help. There's plenty of gun fights among the terrorists, Dave's followers and the locals. Everyone has guns and an unlimited supply of bullets. Most of the characters get slaughtered but Zack manages to escape with his new lady friend. Lucky for him his awful wife gets blown up in the trailer park. She could have escaped but she was too fat to get out of the trailer's door. The movie ends with George W Bush and Osama romping in a field as the nukes rain down.

It's a comedy and it's packed with jokes. Not all the jokes are good ones but occasionally there's a laugh. Sometimes the laugh is one of those "what did we just see" sorts. It's definitely not for the squeamish. The critics hated it, justifiably so, and it did really poorly at the box office. That's typical of Uwe's movies , most of which were box office failures, this one made less than $150K on a $15 million budget. Uwe's not a good film maker, his only skill seems to be in raising a budget. Despite his poor track record he continues to make films. I enjoyed the film and would see it again. I can't say that about the other Boll films I've seen.

Massage Parlor Murders 1973

Massage Parlor Murders 1973 Directed by Chester Fox and Alex Stevens. No writer is credited on the IMDb page.

A serial killer is murdering massage parlor girls. A couple of cops are working the case, one of them figures there's a religious connection to the 7 commandments. They aren't very successful, the killer is one step ahead of him. A resourceful masseuse fights back and takes the baddie down with some hot oil and flames.

It's a sloppy low budget affair with poor acting, script and plenty of scenes that add nothing to the narrative but padding. It's still somewhat entertaining despite the lack luster car chase. It's below average but watchable.

Cry Uncle! 1971

Cry Uncle 1971 Based on the novel Lie A Little, Die A Little by Michael Brett, screenplay by David Odell with additional dialogue by Allen Garfield and John G Avildsen, directed by John G Avildsen. I read 2-3 novels by Brett back in the 80s but never read any others. John Avildsen directed a few movies I saw, Joe, Neighbors, The Karate Kid, Rocky, the only one I rewatch is Neighbors. I can't believe I would need to see the rest of his lot.

Allen Garfield plays private eye Jake Masters. He's a slobby, class lacking sort of guy who's ready to shag any woman that comes near him. He takes a case from a millionaire who's wanted by the police in a murder investigation of a dead cocktail waitress. She'd filmed the millionaire with three prostitutes and blackmailed him for $50,000 to keep it a secret. Now she's dead and millionaire man wants Jake to find the real killer.

Jake has a nephew called Keith for an assistant, they team up with the millionaire's head of security, a woman called Cora. Jake tries to hump her but she's not interested, instead she takes a tumble in the hay with younger fitter Keith. The trio question the prostitutes and all sorts of other sleazy people. Cora shows a violent side and Jake cuts her from the interviews.

Jake gets tied up by a couple of the prostitutes, they run off when their pal gets murdered. Jake gets free and follows one of the prostitutes to a house, he has sex with her while she's passed out face down on a bed. The other prostitute interrupts the action and it's discovered the unconscious woman won't be waking up, there's a bullet hole in her forehead. That Jake's a rapey dirty bastard but he does manage to find the killer. Mostly be accident. He nearly gets killed but the police save him in time by blasting the killer. Home he goes.

It's sort of a funny film but the jokes are weak at best. There's not much plot but there's plenty of nudity and sex. Some might say you see too much of Allen Garfield naked. Some might not want to see that. Some of the actors aren't that good but they do show a lot of skin. The original film company went out of biz and Troma picked up the film for their catalog. It fits well with their company style. Troma head man Lloyd Kaufman has a cameo as a hippy. I found the crappy copy I have on the internet 6 years ago. It'll probably be longer than that before I get back to it. I'm not going to buy the DVD even at 8 bucks.

The Mary Millington Movie Collection

The Mary Millington Movie Collection

A British Blu-ray set collecting Mary Millington's movies on 5 discs. The set includes feature films, shorts, documentaries and a book.

Mary became the most popular nude model and film star in late 1970s Britain. I remember seeing her in British nudie mags like Playbirds and Whitehouse that made their way to North America in the late 70s and early 80s. I never saw any of her films until more recently.

Mary was very attractive and she quickly grew famous and highly popular in the world of sex mags and films. There were thousands of pictures in the magazines, she had columns about her sex life written for her, she made nudie shorts and appeared in feature length sex films. They were all softcore, she only made a small number of hardcore films in Europe. They were illegal to show or sell in Britain at the time.

Mary made a lot of money but her views on the sex business were out of line with the government guidelines. She had her own sex shop and it was always getting raided by the police. With the police and morality squads after her, it all became too much for her and Mary ended her life by suicide in 1979

Feature Films:

Come Play With Me 1977 Written and directed by Harrison Marks. A British sex comedy that was very popular with the public. It cost £120,000 to make, by 2001 it had earned over £4 million.

A pair of forgers are hiding out from their boss in the Scottish Highlands. They're pretending to be musicians and staying in a hotel that's also a health farm. Sadly the health business is failing to attract costumers and the owner is having some financial difficulties. The quiet hotel is the ideal place for the forgers to operate, they use their music to cover up the noise of their printing press.

The hotel owner's nephew comes to stay with some dancing girls. The dancers hope to help the owner out of her financial difficulties by turning the place into a brothel. The gals will dress as nurses and offer some naughty health remedies. The attractive business makes things difficult for the forgers when their old boss and his gang come by to get their ends away. 

It's a below average musical comedy crime film with plenty of naked ladies and simulated sex. The jokes are weak and the musical numbers weaker still. I can't recommend it to anyone.

It comes on it's own disc, there's a commentary with Simon Sheridan and Sue Langhurst, a trailer, a Harrison Marks documentary, a sexy short and a Mary Millington featurette about her hardcore films with all the hardcore edited out.

The Playbirds 1978 Written and directed by Willy Roe.

A rather dark crime film about a serial killer who's targeting nude female models, he stabs them and carves a number into their foreheads. All the women have appeared nude in Playbirds magazine. The story is very much like a Giallo. Mary Millington plays a policewoman who gets selected to go undercover as a Playbirds magazine model. The movie ends with her being murdered by the killer. He turned out to be the twin of the man the police arrested.

It's a pretty terrible script, there's little sexy about it and the crime plot is pretty poor. Willy's not only a poor plotter and writer, he's a poor director too. I wouldn't recommend this either.

The movie has it's own disc with a commentary with Simon Sheridan and Willy Roe. The other extras include a documentary on photographer George Richardson, a nudie short and a featurette on Harry Knights. Harry was a writer who wrote millions of words for the UK nudie magazines. I thought that this was the most interesting thing on the disc. 

Confessions From The David Galaxy Affair 1979 Written by Joe Ireland and directed by Willy Roe. A British sex comedy with Alan Lake, Mary Millington and Diana Dors. I thought Willy was a poor film maker but Joe Ireland has him beaten hands down in the scripting department.

Alan Lake is David Galaxy, he's a playboy astrologer who shags all the birds he can pick up. The title is trying to tie this film into the Confessions series of films that were fairly popular. Confessions Of A Window Cleaner was the first in the series and it was directed by Val Guest. The charming Robin Askwith plays Timothy Lea, he's always on the pull and all the ladies fall for his charm and charms. There's plenty of nudity and humping.

David Galaxy has no charms but the women hop into bed with him anyway. Just like it was scripted. As his story unfolds things start going south for David. First he falls out of favor with one lady and when the police come knocking. They think he had been the get away car driver in a robbery 5 years ago. His alibi is a politician who just won't corroborate his story. The police don't seem to care if he's guilty or innocent and he gets thrown in jail, tried and sent to prison.

Mary Millington plays a woman that has never had an orgasm, David's pal sets them up and starts a betting syndicate with a bookie. Diana Dors was Alan Lake's real life wife, she was 10 years older than him and her career was waning. She's David Galaxy's new landlord and that proves trouble.

Sadly, it's a terrible film with almost nothing going for it. Even all the naked ladies can't make up for such uninteresting characters and a lousy script. Don't watch it.

It comes on it's own disc, it has no commentary, I'm not that bothered. It has a nice documentary with Sally Faulkner and her time on the film. There are three sexy shorts with Mary and a look at some of the locations in Mary's life and in her films. Often her sex films were filmed in her home and the homes of her film making pals.

Queen Of The Blues 1979 Written by George Evans and directed by Willy Roe. A British sex comedy set in a striptease club. Mary Millington is the star attraction.

There's not much going on here, a dumb plot about gangsters offering protection and scenes of strippers getting their kit off. There's some backstage banter between the ladies and plenty of boobies on display. It's fairly dull but the story works itself out in the end.

This movie shares a disc with the two movies below. There's a commentary for this movie with Simon Sheridan, Allan Warren and David Sullivan. There's also a short nudie film with Mary and a couple of introduction videos.

Mary Millington's True Blue Confessions 1980 Written by John M East and directed by Nick Gailtress and John M East.

A short tribute film made a year after Mary's death. Fairly interesting but a lot of the material gets reused in Respectible. There's a commentary to this film with Simon Sheridan, Allan Warren and David Sullivan. 

Mary Millington's World Striptease Extravaganza 1981 Written by John M East, David Sullivan and Bernie Winters, directed by Roy Deverell. Another short film about a strip off hosted by comedian Bernie Winters. It's not that interesting.

Respectable - The Mary Millington Story 2015 Written and directed by Simon Sheridan. 

A nearly 2 hour long documentary with plenty of interviews with friends and family plus plenty of clips from Mary's films. It's fairly interesting for the most part. There's a commentary on the movie with Simon Sheridan and Sam Dunn from BFI. There's a short documentary on Sheridan and a trailer.

Generally a poor selection of films with some more interesting extras. Hardly worth the money for the set. I wouldn't recommend it to most people. For me the most interesting material was the background on the nudie movie industry at the time.

The Beast 1975

 

The Beast 1975 Written and directed by Walerian Borowczyk. A French erotic horror film that's vaguely adapted from the novella Lokis by Prosper Mérimée. Someone gave me the Arrow DVD, looks pretty good and there are a few extras.

Lucy is daughter to the late Philip Broadhurst, his will says she has to marry Mathurin, the son of Marquis Pierre de l'Esperance, within 6 months or she gets nada. Lucy and Aunt Virginia are driven to Mathurin's horse breeding farm. They are greeted with some horse sex in the courtyard.

Lucy hasn't meet Mathurin and doesn't see him when she arrives. Mathurin is a hairy guy, he needs a shave before he can meet anyone. Lucy is given a book about a local legend, Romilda had a fight with a bear 200 years ago, a fight which turned rather rapey. Lucy comes across several erotic bestiality drawings. Lucy dreams of an erotic encounter between Romilda and the beast. He's well endowed and proud to show it off.

The beast's costume is lacking, it makes him look like a bit Muppet like. Not the penis so much, mostly his face. Sadly, they take a lot of shots of that wang, pumping goo and not pumping goo. Then Lucy finds her fiance dead. They pull some clothes off Mathurin revealing his claw hand, his hairy back and tail, Lucy freaks out and runs around the house naked, screaming bloody blue murder. Lucy and her aunt leave the farm.

Somehow this has become a classic in the world of monster erotica. It's slim pickens I guess. I saw it back in 1997 and didn't think much of it back then but I did like the naked ladies running about. I must have watched it again in 2009 and liked it less, I rated it a 3 on the IMDb, I'd give it a four nowadays. It's still not very good but I laughed a good bit. Mostly because it's rather ludicrous.

Massage Parlor Murders! 1973

Massage Parlor Murders! 1973 Directed by Chester Fox and Alex Stevens. No writer is credited on the film, the IMDb or the Wikipedia.

A serial killer is murdering massage parlor workers, he's using the seven deadly sins as his guide. The police are after him but there are no real leads. One of the cops gets involved with one of the massage ladies but that ends poorly for her. It ends poorly for the murderer when he finally meets a massage gal who can fight back.

It's a poorly made film with a mediocre script. The acting is all over the place, nobody stands out in that crowd. There's plenty of nudity and some violence. Lots of good shots of New York in 1973. Good filler to pad out the film to 80 mins. I laughed at a couple of spots, no joke, just some bad film making. Not something I would need to see again.

Vampyres 1974

Vampyres 1974 Screenplay by Diana Daubeney, directed by José Ramón Larraz under the name Joseph Larraz.

A couple of women are shot to death in an English country manor house, they revive as vampires and start sucking unsuspecting travelers. A couple in a caravan camp near the mansion, they see the vampire ladies out and about. They hunt and gather solo people out and about in the night. Some they have sex with before they murder them, others just get a bit of murdering. Hardly anyone survives to the end of the movie. In the morning a realtor shows up with a couple interested in the house. As the movie jumps to the credits I wonder if that guy got a sale.

The vampire gals are Anulka Dziubinska and Marianne Morris, that's them in the picture above, the are a great murderous pair. They're my favorite thing about the movie. The film itself is just average, there's plenty of nudity and sex, and a bit of story to pad out the naughty naughty. There's some decent gore and a few gags. There's not that much to recommend about it but I did get a laugh or two. I found a copy on YouTube but it appears to be gone now.

Virgin Witch 1972

Virgin Witch 1972 Written by Hazel Adair (under the name Klaus Vogel) and directed by Ray Austin. A British film that was shot in 1970 but kept from the theaters until January 1972 because of the censors. It was cut to get a certificate but the version on the Blu-ray is uncut.

Christine and Betty run away from home to become models. The sisters are played by real life sisters Ann and Vicki Michelle. The gals get a lift to London from a guy called Johnny. Christine gets a job from a modeling agency. A woman called Sybil runs the place and owns the house where the photo shoot is taking place. Betty tags along. Turns out the house used for the photo shoot is home to a coven and they've got their eyes on Christine. She's got some psychic ability and an interest in joining the coven. The coven is led by Sybil and Gerald. There's a ceremony with plenty of nudity and Christine looses her virginity to Gerald. Sybil has eyes on Betty next but Christine has her own plans, when she moves in for a take over, things get nasty.

There's not much story going on, mostly it's wall to wall breasts and ass cheeks. The Michelle sisters have disowned the film. I thought it was about average. I managed to get to the end. I might even watch it again some time. Who knows.

Mysteries From Beyond Earth 1975

Mysteries From Beyond Earth 1975 Written by Ralph Blum, Judy Blum and Don Scioli, directed by George Gale. Ralph and Judy wrote about UFOs. George directed a couple of other UFO films and a short called Animals Are The Craziest People. George was mostly a production manager, he worked on 72 films.

Mysteries From Beyond Earth showed up on one of the YouTube channels I subscribe to and I started to watch it to see what it was about. I recognized the face of the host, it turned out to be Lawrence Dobkin. I'd seen him in many movies and TV programs over the years. He's got over 300 acting credits and over 100 directing credits on the IMDb. His career started in 1946 and lasted until 2001, he died a year later.

Sadly, Lawrence is the most interesting thing about the movie. There are several other paranormal bits and bobs included, segments on Bigfoot, Atlantis, ancient pyramids, cloning, the Bermuda Triangle, aliens, psychic surgeons, the Hollow Earth theory and more. There are a good number of interviews and clips from news events. None of it's new to me, nor that interesting. I wouldn't need to see it again. You can find it on YouTube.

The Black Tavern 1972

The Black Tavern 1972 Written by Yeh I-fang, directed by Teddy Yip. A Shaw Brothers movie about some bandits.

Jackie Chan has a small part as Official Hai's servant. He puts up a fight but in the end he gets stabbed up pretty good. It's another Jackie Chan film I hadn't seen before.

Several groups of villains plan to rob the wagon of Offical Hai as he heads into the country to retire. He's supposed to have a nice chest of gold. That's the Whip Master and his gang, they kill the previous owners of a rather isolated inn in the country.

The previous owners were a nasty bunch, robbing people and serving them human flesh buns. They get killed before they can make anymore. Official Hai shows up and there's one attack after another. Most of the villains are slain with the usual sort of martial arts fights of the day. The fights are about average. The dialog between the groups of robbers is more entertaining to me. The Three-Headed Cobra don't say much but they've got nice tiger pattern shirts and stylish blue capes with white trim. No matter, their bodies stack up like cord wood in the courtyard, slowly being covered with a nice light blanket of snow.

An entertaining film. It popped up on RareLust today. A decent looking copy that isn't that big a file. YouTube has a poorer copy but you don't have to downloaded to see it.