PRIMITIVE SCREWHEADS

Fat Slags 2004

Fat Slags 2004 Written by William Osborne and directed by Ed Bye. A British comedy based on the Fat Slags comic from Viz. You might recognize Ed Bye, he's been directing British comedy for decades, The Young Ones, Filthy, Rich And Catflap, The Two Ronnies, Red Dwarf, Bottom and plenty more funny programs and films.

Sandra and Tracey are the two plus size women in the poster. Fiona Allen plays Sandra and Sophie Thompson plays Tracey. When we meet them they're getting bollixed by their foreman for their poor work habits. They are crude, self absorbed, vile and amazingly dim. While their foreman is talking to them the factory blows up because Sandra left her cutting torch burning. Now they have to find new jobs. Lucky for them they get a letter inviting them to appear on a talk show in London.

Jerry O'Connell plays a billionaire called Sean, he takes a flower pot to the head and becomes insane. He sees the gals on the talk show and takes a liking to them. Sean's lawyer is called Victor, he's played by Anthony Head. Victor gets the job of finding the gals and bringing them to Sean. A fashion designer is paid to make a range of clothes based on the gals look, generally they prefer brightly colored track suits stretched to the limit by flab. Because it's in the script the country goes mental over the fashion look and the gals become popular, especially after exposing their breasts on TV.

Geri Halliwell plays Sean's assistant Paige, she tries gaining some weight to be more like the gals. Tracey and Sandra fight over Sean, Tracey goes on a date with him after knocking Sandra out. Tracey accidentally bites Sean's dick off when his limo crashes to avoid running over some nuns in the road. The gals get locked up after a fight between them kills the General Secretary of the World. They get tossed in the Tower Of London. Sean gets hit on the head and comes to his senses. The gals are trashed and dumped. They head home to their boyfriends and show off their boobs while dancing at the pub. Life is back to normal for these idiots.

There's a ton of other actors I didn't mention, until now, James Dreyfus, Naomi Campbell, Angus Deayton, Hugh Dennis, Lederere, Rick Gervais, John Thompson and Dolph Lundgren. They were the ones I knew of, mostly cameos and small parts, there were still more small parts.

The film was panned by the critics and it scores a 1.9 on the IMDb, justifiably I thought. It has 4000 votes. I joined the 53% who gave it a 1. I couldn't take the chance that giving it a 2 might bring the score up a bit. Lots of people gave it a 10, 27%, reminding me people are bat shit crazy. I would guess some votes could have been bought.

I didn't care for the characters much at all. The jokes are tired old dogs with plenty of pounds packed on. I wasn't even cracking a smile. Graham Dury, the comic creator said he 'was so appalled by the film, he threatened to stop drawing the strips'. We'd be all better off had he never drawn it. The film got listed as one of the worst British film ever made. You can see it on YouTube, link above. There are animated versions of the gals too. I couldn't bring myself to watch them.

Friday Night Movies 1043

Bohachi Bushido: Code Of The Forgotten Eight 1973 Based on the manga Bohachi Bushido by Kazuo Koike and Goseki Kojima, screenplay by Susumu Saji, directed by Teruo Ishi. A Japanese erotic action film set in the past.

An assassin called Shinō Ashita escapes some samurai by jumping into a river, members of the Bohachi clan rescue him. The head of the Bohachi offers him the job of killing the customers of the local low end prostitution rings operating out of tea houses in Edo. They're cutting into the Bohachi's trade. Ashita is ordered to bring the sex workers to the Bohachi clan, they have a royal warrant to run the Yoshiwara in Edo, they need huge flocks of naked ladies to supply their customers with good times. The Yoshiwara is a designated prostitution area. The Bohachi's warrant literately lets them get away with murder making Ashita safe from getting arrested for killing the local johns.

The Bohachi have a strict code of conduct that forgets the 8 traditional virtues,  justice, courage, benevolence, politeness, honesty, honor, loyalty and self-control. Any deviation from the code usually leads to death for the rule breaker. The leader of the Bohachi is Shirobei Daimon. He assigns 5 lady ninja's to keep an eye on Ashita, they run around naked a lot. Sending them back to the Yoshiwara turns Daimon against Ashita and they all fight among themselves until the Bohachi clan is nearly destroyed.

The film is packed with sword fights and sex. There's acres of naked skin on screen. For an action nudie flick it's well made and very colorful. It's quite entertaining and a movie I'd watch again some time. 

Postal 2007 Written by Uwe Boll and Bryan C Knight, directed by Ewe Boll. It's based on the Running With Scissors game called Postal. Boll was interested in the project because of the game's political incorrectness.

Zack Ward plays a loser who's lacking a job on top of all his other problems. He lives in a filthy trailer in a rundown park with his enormous wife. She's a vile monster who bangs all the locals while poor Zack is out of the trailer. Zack's uncle is played by Dave Foley, he's set up in a doomsday religious cult's compound with his followers. Sadly he's neglected to pay taxes and he could face some jail time. Dave's got a plan to raise some money, he's going to steal some Krotchy Dolls, they're penis shaped dolls that have become rare because of a shipping accident in which the production run was almost completely destroyed. They're selling for $4000 each and there's a stock of 2,000 in the German themed amusement park called Little Germany.

Osama bin Laden and his men also plan to steal the dolls, they want to hide a virus in them, this way they can kill thousands of Americans. Dave and his gals manage to get the dolls into a truck with Zack's help. There's plenty of gun fights among the terrorists, Dave's followers and the locals. Everyone has guns and an unlimited supply of bullets. Most of the characters get slaughtered but Zack manages to escape with his new lady friend. Lucky for him his awful wife gets blown up in the trailer park. She could have escaped but she was too fat to get out of the trailer's door. The movie ends with George W Bush and Osama romping in a field as the nukes rain down.

It's a comedy and it's packed with jokes. Not all the jokes are good ones but occasionally there's a laugh. Sometimes the laugh is one of those "what did we just see" sorts. It's definitely not for the squeamish. The critics hated it, justifiably so, and it did really poorly at the box office. That's typical of Uwe's movies , most of which were box office failures, this one made less than $150K on a $15 million budget. Uwe's not a good film maker, his only skill seems to be in raising a budget. Despite his poor track record he continues to make films. I enjoyed the film and would see it again. I can't say that about the other Boll films I've seen.

Friday Night Movies 990

Charlie's Angels 2019 Story by Evan Spiliotopoulos and David Auburn, screenplay and direction by Elizabeth Banks.

A new re-imagining of the old TV series. The Townsend agency is in Europe and Patrick Stewart is the head of the branch. He's got a whole gang of Angels with Kristen Stewart and Ella Balinska as a couple of his top agents. At the end of the mission that opens the movie Patrick retires from the company. He's not happy about it but he takes the watch and leaves.

Naomi Scott is a whistle blower who wants some help from the Angels. She's invented a magical power device that can be set to kill people. She wants time to fix it but the head of her department at Brok says it's got to launch on schedule.She wimps out by not going over his head to Mr Brok.

An assassin tries to kill Naomi at her meeting with the Angels in Hamburg, the Angels fight back but he manages to force the Angels into the river. The assassin leaves them to drown and runs away.  Elizabeth Banks takes over the team after Djimon Hounsou is killed in the fire fight.

There's a whole bunch of sneaking about as the team breaks into Brok's HQ. The action scenes are fairly good, there's plenty of shooting and running about. There's a lot of double dealing and traitorous behavior. Eventually things get worked out.

I enjoyed the movie but didn't think it was quite as good as the Drew Barrymore films from the early 2000's. I don't seen anyone making any sequels so far. I ordered the Blu-ray and hope to watch it again someday.

Scream Queen 2002 Written and directed by Brad Sykes. The film was partially shot in 1998 but not finished until 2002. We watched the 2023 Blu-ray from Video Vengeance.

Linnea Quigley plays a scream queen, her car blows up while she's working on her latest movie. The director and the crew try to figure out what to do about finishing the film. Someone starts killing the crew.

It's a pretty predictable slasher film with super low production values, a poor script and a gang of actors that can't act, or, in some cases, barely even speak. It's shot on video and looks pretty terrible. It's such a poor movie I wouldn't bother picking up a copy. It's really something for the Linnea fans out there.

3 Idiots 2009

3 Idiots 2009  Screenplay by Abhijat Joshi and Rajkumar Hirani, directed by Rajkumar Hirani.

A Bollywood film that mixes comedy, child abuse and suicide. It's way too long for me and there are too many songs. The comedy works most of the time but they keep ruining the mode with horrible stories of men forcing their children to do things they don't want to do, like going to engineering school instead of following  the career they want. Some of those young men commit suicide from the pressure. Sadly the horrible men aren't punished enough.

I enjoyed some of it but wouldn't watch it again.

Keeping Mum 2005

Keeping Mum 2005 Written by Niall Johnson and Richard Russo, directed  by Niall Johnson.

Maggie Smith comes to work for Rowan Atkinson and Kristin Scott Thomas as their new housekeeper. She fails to mention that twenty five years ago she killed her husband and his mistress, went to jail and has just been released. She handles some of the family problems swift blinding violence.

It's rather droll and amusing. I got a few laughs from it but it might be a while before I'd need to see it again.

Friday Night Movies 956

A Haunted Turkish Bathhouse 1975 Written by Masahiro Kakefuda and Nobuaki Nakajima, directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi. A Japanese film of the pink sort.

A Japanese erotic horror film set in a house of prostitution. The movie opens on the eve of the end of legal prostitution. In order to stay in business the owner of the house converts it to a bath house. The girls will rent the rooms from him. They can give their customers soapy baths and for an additional under the counter charge, a happy ending. Yukino doesn't want to work that way and decides to quit. Her husband Toriyama is a piece of human garbage, he tricks her into going to work at the bathhouse by making her think he's deep in debt with gangsters. In reality he's getting paid by the bathhouse owner's wife. Toriyama starts an affair with the owner's wife behind Yukino's back.

Yukino's sister, Mayumi, comes to live with them. Toriyama immediately rapes her. The life is hard for Yukino, she wants to leave the business, Toriyama and the owners wife beat her to death. They scum brick Yukino up in the basement wall, under the watchful eye of her black cat. Soon after Mayumi goes to work at the bathhouse. Things get worse for the baddies when Yukino's ghost and her black cat get their revenge on.

It's partially entertaining but I was hoping for more supernatural stuff and less beatings and torture. It's a mean place work and the people there are pretty horrible, most everyone comes to a bad end. I don't feel the need to pick up a copy now that I've seen it. Glad I got to see it.

Brutal Massacre A Comedy 2007 Written and directed by Stevan Mena.

David Naughton plays a horror director who's had three flops in a row. He's hoping to get out of his slump with his new picture Brutal Massacre. A documentary film maker is following David around with a cameraman. The documentary guy reveals all many of the bad things that have happened on David's past shoots, he has a lot of problems making his films and a person died during the making of a few of them. Despite that, a handful of his old crew are back to work with him. Naughton plays the director as a rather clueless guy, it's a wonder anyone would want to work with him. Certainly his three recent failures are keeping the money men at bay. He manages to get a budget together, then screws the picture by putting his crew up in a nice motel. Things get worse and worse as the shoot goes on. It's piled on high and deep. Much of the trouble is caused by everyone's lack of focus, David hires people without checking on their past work.

It's sort of funny, I did laugh occasionally but not always at the jokes. I did tire of the stupid characters, especially when there are so many of them. Ellen Sandweiss, some might remember her from The Evil Dead, is the most competent of the lot but even she has her mental and physical limits. She should never have gotten mixed up with that poo. The film has a bit of a happy ending, except for Carl. He didn't fair too well. Oh, well. It's another film I doubt I would buy now that I've seen it but I was happy to have a gander.

Lesbian Vampire KIllers 2009

Lesbian Vampire Killers 2009 Written by Stewart Williams and Paul Hupfield, directed by Phil Claydon.

James Corden and Matthew Horne are pals. James got fired from his clown job for punching a child and Matthew just got dumped by his girlfriend. They decide to get away from their lives by hiking through a forest in Norfolk. They meet some young ladies who are heading for a cottage in the area, they go off to party with them. They soon learn of the local village's curse. On their 18th birthday all the young women of the village turn into lesbian vampires. Now our two dopes have to try to stay alive until the end of the movie. They do get some help from a crazy vicar and a lady called Lotte.

It was fairly good fun and there were enough good jokes to give me a laugh or two. I picked up a DVD somewhere cheap so I can rewatch it when I want.

Friday Night Movies 887

Alien Private Eye 1989 Written and directed by Vik Rubenfeld, he was also the casting director and film editor. It's his only movie, the IMDb lists him as one of the creators of the TV show Early Edition, he's credited with writing one episode. I never watched that show more than a handful of times, so it's doubtful that I saw his episode. Up until right now the movie has only been available on VHS. You can see a poor copy on YouTube, see link above. The movie looks much better on the Severin Blu-ray.

The story revolves around the possession of a special disc that fell to Earth. A crook figured out it was a drug dispenser and he's been selling the highly addictive product in LA. An alien private eye is on Earth, he helps a woman being mistreated by some thugs and winds up in the middle of a mess. She's got one half the disc and the crooks have the other half.

There's plenty of chasing about with a few punch up and gun fights. Sadly they're so ludicrously staged. The car chase and subsequent crashes? Embarrassing. The whole movie is like that. Clumsy script and inept cast. Makes a combo for laughter. Sadly Vik's intended humor isn't cutting it. All in all a good film to have seen but one that wasn't as enjoyable as one might have hoped. Not going on my To Buy List.

Tokyo 10+01 2003 Written and directed by Higuchinsky. Another one that I won't be adding to my To Buy List. It's a comical sort of parody that people doing IMDb reviews think is of Battle Royale but it seems more like it's parodying The Running Man. The filmmakers make references to BR in the beginning of the film but that soon falls by the wayside as the contestants start running about. Was The Running Man released to long ago for the commenters to know about. Could be but who knows. Hopefully, I'll have forgotten about the film be tomorrow.

Eleven criminals are drugged and fitted with a poison timer bracelet. They wake up in a warehouse in a shitty part of town. They have 11 hours to get to the Baron's mansion. Then they'll be safe, they'll win a cash prize, get their record wiped clean and the poison dispensing tracker bracelet will be deactivated. A lot to play for.

Most of the contestants are pretty annoying and I didn't care much for them. In fact it was nice to see them get picked off one by one or in a small group. There's plenty of running about and yelling but not much else going on of interest. The poor DVD mastering didn't help either. Ultimately it was disappointing and not one I need to see again.

Cor, Blimey! 2000

Cor, Blimey! 2000 Director Terry Johnson adapted his 1998 play Cleo, Camping, Emmanuelle and Dick. Geoffrey Hutchings and Samantha Spiro played Sid James and Barbara Windsor in both the play and the film.

It's a TV movie about the romance between Sid and Barbara, they meet in 1964 on the set of Carry On Spying and Sid chased her for years, their 3 year affair started in 1973, in 1976 Barbara broke it off, Sid started drinking heavily, he died the same year, passing away from a heart attack on opening night of The Mating Season.

Some of the real incidents in Sid and Barbara's lives have been altered in the film, the Wikipedia page for the film lists several changes or inaccuracies. Like any biopic it needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Sid started acting in 1947, appearing in a good number of films before moving into TV, his sitcom Bless This House, always a favorite in our place back then, had 6 series under it's belt when he died.

Barbara's first film is a favorite of mine, the 1954 comedy The Belles Of St Trinians. She made a name for herself in the Carry On series, appearing in 9 of the films, and she had a great run on the popular soap EastEnders. She stopped acting at 80 and died 3 years later in 2020. Her life makes good reading, plenty of interesting things happened to our Babs.

I think I first started seeing Sid in the Carry On films, he appeared in 19 of the 31 films. They were on Canadian TV when I was a kid and I would have watched them, they had a certain adult level of humor even though they're fairly innocent by today's standards. The films through 1962 were written by Norman Hudis and the ones after were written by Talbot Rothwell, the wholes series was directed by Gerald Thomas.

There's a wealth of comic talent on screen, beside Sid and Barbara there's some of my favorite British character actors: Kenneth Williams, Joan Sims, Charles Hawtrey, Kenneth Connor, Peter Butterworth, Hattie Jacques, Bernard Bresslaw, Jim Dale and Leslie Phillips.

I've always enjoyed Sid as an actor but I think I wouldn't care that much for him in real life. This is true of so many of the interesting writers, artists and film makers who's work I've liked.

Both Sid and Barbara were married at the time of their affair. Being married never stopped Sid from chasing women. His passion fruit seduction technique is depicted in the film. Don't know if it's true or just a joke so they can wrangle the word cunnilingus in there. It's the sort of thing some of his characters on the Carry On films might do.

Sid seems to be homophobic in the film, he picks on Kenneth Williams, something Kenneth recounts in his diaries. I haven't read the book that came out with pieces of Kenneth's diaries so I don't have much to go on. Some say Sid was a man of a different age and in England being queer was a jailable offense before they got rid of that law in 1965. I have downloaded a TV movie about Kenneth, with Micheal Sheen as Kenneth, the clips I looked at make him seem rather sad and bitter. Cor, Blimey! is similar in it's take of Kenneth. Kenneth wasn't friends with Sid but he was friends of many show people including Babs.

Interesting movie but more for those that have an interest in Sid and the Carry On films. Another series I should dig out and watch again.

Friday Night Movies 851

Wooshi: The Demon Slayer 2009 Written and directed by Choi Dong-hoon. A Korean fantasy comedy with plenty of action and effects.

The movie mixes events from the modern day and 500 in the past. Some of the characters are immortal beings, others have magical powers. Back in the past the goblins have taken the Flute Of the Prophecy. The Immortal Taoist Wizards band together with The Master and Hwadam and banish the goblins from our world. They retrieve the Flute, break it in two, and in trust half to The Master and Hwadam. When The Master is murdered his student Wooshi is blamed for the crime and imprisoned in a painting. We know it's really Hwadam what done the dirty deed. He's a real monster.

In modern day the Immortal Taoist Wizards find the goblins are escaping their imprisonment and hiding among the humans. They can transform, only their green blood gives them away. The Immortal Taoist Wizards get Wooshi and his dog pal Chorangyi out of the painting and they have a smashing time fighting the goblins. On top of that it turns out Hwadam has gotten even more evil.

It's action packed and the magical effects are top notch. The story has a nice sense of humor and the baddie gets put down. I was glad to have picked up the Shout Factory Blu-ray from Hamilton Books for a fiver. I'll watch it again.

Crumbs 2015 Written and directed by Miguel Llansó. A rather surreal Spanish-Ethiopian science fiction story set some centuries after a big collapse. Candy is a deformed man who lives with a woman in an abandoned bowling alley. He scavenges for ancient artifacts, there's some sort of economy left over that allows a trade in collectibles. Above the landscape, floating in the sky, is a dormant spaceship. It's been there since before the big collapse.

There's a rumor going around that it's coming back to life and Candy thinks they should be on the ship if it leaves. He sets off an a quest for tickets, wondering through the landscape, following the train tracks. Eventually he finds a guy running a cinema showing the Turkish Superman film.Candy throws his Superman top into the river and the movie is over.

It's such a personal story that I can't tell you what it's all about. It was sort of interesting to watch, wondering what was going to come next, but the message is so lost in the medium that Marshall McLuhan would just tell me to go to bed and not think about it.