It's was a friggin' cold night last night. 13 below as I started to write this at 11:40 PM. I thought about staying home earlier, not from the cold but from being so tired. Luckily a short nap helped me get through the mind numbing pair from 1981. They were both about 90 minutes. This helps. Not as much as 1.5 speed, but short good. They were both borrowed.
First up is Evilspeak, also a first for Clint Howard. His first starring role. Clint's been around since 1963 and he seems to be working all the time, as many as ten things in a year. What a guy. Check out his internet variety show. It's short and has a lot of swearing. Guests get 15 bucks and a turkey. Something made me laugh. I won't tell you what. I don't care if you guess. In Evilspeak Clint is an orphan enrolled in a military academy where he's being bullied by some of his class mates. He sadly lacks the social interaction skills to stop his becoming a target. We are told repeatedly Clint has a high IQ, but we don't see him doing much with it. He tries but blunders and is beaten down. After finding the vault of evil in the academy's church, he puts evil spells into his 1981 computer, and unleashes Estaban. The last 10 minutes have some wholesale slaughter as a possessed sword wielding Clint runs amuck killing everyone. Most everyone on that campus was a prick anyway, I didn't give a shit about any of them. There are pigs that eat people. You don't see that too often. Unfortunately, not very scary, more sad, those pigs. They made me laugh, but that didn't make up for the long boring bits where Clint is bullied, or worse, the longer bits where he stands mute while someone yells at him. Luckily I didn't buy it.
Nor did I buy Dawn Of The Mummy. Lucky me. Grave robbers, high fashion models, photographers, mummies and zombies all compete for screen time in this boring slow moving film, some of which was really shot in Egypt. There's a crazy zombie fighting ending that everyone seemed to like but the previous 80 minutes takes a toll for that meager payoff. For a brief few minutes I was fascinated by John Salvo's amazing acting style. His hair had me going too. It doesn't seem right. Not much does in this movie. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't interested in seeing all the zombie movies made. No matter what the cost. Still, it's nice someone else bought this and lent it. Maybe someone will lend it to you, or maybe you'll be lucky and they won't.
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