We had three short features today. First up some softcore porn for the raincoat crowd. How anyone could get too turned on by this, especially in a room full of men, is beyond me. I suppose the theater was dark back in the 1975. Desperate times. Tarz & Jane, Cheeta & Boy is the Something Weird Video title called Tarz and Jane and Boy and Cheeta on the IMDb where it scores an amazing 6.3 with 30 votes. I'm going to give it a 3 and I'm being generous. It's entertainment value is in it's suckiness. And I'm not talkin' about the kind depicted in the movie either. The 76 minute low budget film opens with Tarz and Boy peeing off their treehouse. They wave their wangs around for way too long, inanely chattering. Then Tarz fights Cheeta the ape. He looses and Cheeta has his way with Jane in the bushes. Thankfully it's mostly off screen. Tarz jumps in the river and gets his dong bit off by a wonderfully bad puppet alligator. That was my favorite part. No, just the puppet alligator, not the actual scene. Jane is upset from being rogered by Cheeta and she's even more upset at Tarz's new situation. Tarz, Jane and Boy head for Wango Wango Land where the witch doctors have penis regenerating powers. That is handy, huh. Maybe those witch doctors could grow hands. That could be extra handy. Ha. There's isn't a joke in the movie that is even that good. Along the way we hook up with Georgina Spelvin. She's a rich lady seeking treasure in the jungle with a gay Rasputin looking guy. Greg had recently been in contact with the 72 year old porn star. Georgina has published her own autobio and he picked some up for DreamHaven. I'm vaguely interested but there are so many other things to buy first. She was 36 when she got into the business 36 years ago. Wild. The group get to Wango Wango Land and they do get Tarz a new organ. The Wango Wango natives are a hoot. That's all I'm gonna say. It's not a good movie. One of the worst. There's way more man ass than women ass, and way too few good dirty jokes. It's fun enough for it's badness and the kind of thing you want to see again only after time has wiped the memory of it from your brain. Could be a long time for some people.
I'm not much of a fan of the slasher movie and this stabbin' Santa flick from Japan doesn't make me any more of one. In The Present some young people go to a hotel where they are killed by a homicidal santa. It's short at 49 minutes. There's some crashing about and limbs torn off, then it's a dream, then it's not. I stopped wondering what was going on when I realized that it was just a choppin' kids movie. The gore is ok, nothing outstanding there. Not one of your better Santa killing some people movies. It's almost sad that there is a catagory for that. Makin' Santa a murderer, what's wrong with people.
Our last feature was the 65 minute Axe. It's the video box re-title of Lisa, Lisa which was also released under California Axe Massacre, The Axe Murders, California Axe Murders and The Virgin Slaughter. Many people were cheated going back to the theater on this one. "Hey, I seen this!" You can see the trailer here. This 1977 low budget film is from writer - director Frederick R. Friedel, who also plays Billy. He's one of three bad guys who beat a double crosser to death. He's just more upset about it and he didn't hardly do any beating. They decide to get out of the city until things cool down. They stop at a store and the leader of the gang, a guy called Steele, terrorizes the lady behind the counter. Nothing like keeping a low profile when you're on the lam. The other member of the gang is a thug named Lomax. Out in the country they stop at a farm house and move on in. Lisa lives there with her paralyzed grandfather. He never moves in any of his scenes. One of the best preformances in the movie. The middle bear comes in the night to get some of Goldilock's porridge and she slits his throat. Lisa packs Lomax in a trunk and tricks Billy into hauling it up to the attic. I think that the trunk moving scene really speaks volumes about Billy. He's a moron. Soon it's chop, chop on the other two and Lisa is back to living the quiet life with grandpa. There are certainly better movies with people held against their will. That Arch Hall Jr. movie The Sadist is certainly better. Certainly wilder and more frantic. Another one I don't need to buy. Maybe in a decade I can borrow Greg's copy to rewatch. If I care. Or remember. Alzheimers, don't fail me now.
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