Joe called me last thursday evening. He was all excited over the dvd he had received from Netflix. He was bringing it to FNM, but had to share the title. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I had to admit that the title was intriguing. I hadn't heard of this 2001 movie but based on the title I'd sure give it a chance. Blood and Donuts is a Canadian low budget vampire movie that was mostly enjoyable. Lightning can strike twice. Long as it doesn't just hit near by and light my couch on fire. That's a metaphor. I don't have a couch.
Friday night rolled around and I was settling in on Sperhauk's couch. Ready for a couple of flicks and some snacks. We were all there but Mike. Into the dvd player went Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Right from the start it looked sort of poor. Shabby around the edges. It's a low budget, shot on video, Canadian production. That's a deadly combination that could kill you or make you well. Some vampires are attacking the local church members and turning them into vampires. Turns out most of the missing church members are lesbians. Some church guys ask Jesus, newly returned to earth, to come help them fight the vampies. He gets a haircut, a couple of earrings, and some new clothes. Hip Jesus with Kung Fu action. It's slow going at times, there's a lot of talking, much of it ADR, and none of it that interesting. Occasionally a fight breaks out as Jesus and pals run about the city investigating, kicking ass, and stabbin' vampires. These vampires all know a poor form of Kung Fu and they can stay out in the sun. A mad doctor has a special process that stops the vamp's from gettin toasted. There's a high body count as church people and vampire un-people all get slaughtered. There's some so-so comedy and the special effects aren't to hot. When Jesus gets overwhelmed he calls in El Santos, the Mexican Wrestler, and his big bottomed friend. Everyone seems to reach over and grab a bit of that plump rump. I guess they don't have any manners in Ottawa, where the film was shot. There must not be many actors in Ottawa either. I bet the good ones are all in Toronto, or Vancouver, workin' on American TV shows. Still, you work with what you have and we watch what's stuck in the dvd player. It's kind of a matter of pride, to me at least, that we have rarely bailed on a movie. The acting is average to poor. The guy playing the crazy doctor is one of the worst actors I have ever seen. Paris Hilton is better. I never thought I'd ever say that. I've seen the trailer for The Hottie and the Nottie. Paris and Joel David Moore. He was the weird game developer in Gramma's Boy. He was really fun in that movie, and I was curious. I watched the THATN trailer on YouTube. Yeow! Paris' movie scores a 1.7 on the IMDb and made $27,000 on it's opening weekend on 111 screens. About 25 people came to each theater. What the fuck is wrong with those people? The title alone says stay the fuck home. JCVH gets a 5.3. Must be the power of prayer. It's not that good a movie. I wouldn't give it more than a 3.5 to 4. And that's factoring in how much I liked the title. I wouldn't bother with gettin a copy now that I have seen it. I did get a copy of our next feature.
Smokin' Aces was a free rental from the CD shop that Sperhauk frequents. It's a modern zippy crime story with Ray Liotta and Ryan Reynolds as FBI guys. I've always liked Ray and here Ryan takes a crack at some serious acting. He's ok. The beard helps. Jeremy Priven plays this guy, Buddy Aces, a famous magician, who turned to crime. He's flippin' and now the mob has a hit on his ass. Buddy is holed up with his gang, and some hookers, in a huge suite in a hotel in Lake Tahoe. Buddy's kinda stupid. A shit storm is converging on the city and his penthouse is now dead man central. You've got FBI, Bail Bondsmen, and 7 or 8 killers all after him and his heart. The cops want Buddy's testamony and the top mob guy wants Buddy's heart. Buddy won't be needing it. He'll be dead. SA is written and directed by Joe Carnahan. I had seen his Blood, Guts, Bullets & Octane, which had all of those things blowing up, so you know I liked it. Smokin' Aces is fast paced, violent, impulsive, gorey, fearless, frightening, and heavy on the ironic darkness. The acting is great, the effects top notch and the camera moves like a bullet punching right through your fucking heart. Bam baby. The script is entertaining as it careens along dropping little bits and pieces of the complicated story in our path as we run to keep up. I liked it. There's a great mix of reality and fantasy that I find entertaining. Sperhauk was going to return the dvd, he didn't want to buy it, so I asked him to pick it up for me. I'll certainly want to watch this again. It's just the right kind of complicated mindless fun that I like.
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