PRIMITIVE SCREWHEADS

Fat Slags 2004

Fat Slags 2004 Written by William Osborne and directed by Ed Bye. A British comedy based on the Fat Slags comic from Viz. You might recognize Ed Bye, he's been directing British comedy for decades, The Young Ones, Filthy, Rich And Catflap, The Two Ronnies, Red Dwarf, Bottom and plenty more funny programs and films.

Sandra and Tracey are the two plus size women in the poster. Fiona Allen plays Sandra and Sophie Thompson plays Tracey. When we meet them they're getting bollixed by their foreman for their poor work habits. They are crude, self absorbed, vile and amazingly dim. While their foreman is talking to them the factory blows up because Sandra left her cutting torch burning. Now they have to find new jobs. Lucky for them they get a letter inviting them to appear on a talk show in London.

Jerry O'Connell plays a billionaire called Sean, he takes a flower pot to the head and becomes insane. He sees the gals on the talk show and takes a liking to them. Sean's lawyer is called Victor, he's played by Anthony Head. Victor gets the job of finding the gals and bringing them to Sean. A fashion designer is paid to make a range of clothes based on the gals look, generally they prefer brightly colored track suits stretched to the limit by flab. Because it's in the script the country goes mental over the fashion look and the gals become popular, especially after exposing their breasts on TV.

Geri Halliwell plays Sean's assistant Paige, she tries gaining some weight to be more like the gals. Tracey and Sandra fight over Sean, Tracey goes on a date with him after knocking Sandra out. Tracey accidentally bites Sean's dick off when his limo crashes to avoid running over some nuns in the road. The gals get locked up after a fight between them kills the General Secretary of the World. They get tossed in the Tower Of London. Sean gets hit on the head and comes to his senses. The gals are trashed and dumped. They head home to their boyfriends and show off their boobs while dancing at the pub. Life is back to normal for these idiots.

There's a ton of other actors I didn't mention, until now, James Dreyfus, Naomi Campbell, Angus Deayton, Hugh Dennis, Lederere, Rick Gervais, John Thompson and Dolph Lundgren. They were the ones I knew of, mostly cameos and small parts, there were still more small parts.

The film was panned by the critics and it scores a 1.9 on the IMDb, justifiably I thought. It has 4000 votes. I joined the 53% who gave it a 1. I couldn't take the chance that giving it a 2 might bring the score up a bit. Lots of people gave it a 10, 27%, reminding me people are bat shit crazy. I would guess some votes could have been bought.

I didn't care for the characters much at all. The jokes are tired old dogs with plenty of pounds packed on. I wasn't even cracking a smile. Graham Dury, the comic creator said he 'was so appalled by the film, he threatened to stop drawing the strips'. We'd be all better off had he never drawn it. The film got listed as one of the worst British film ever made. You can see it on YouTube, link above. There are animated versions of the gals too. I couldn't bring myself to watch them.

Father Brown 1954

Father Brown 1954 Based on The Blue Cross by G K Chesterton, screenplay by Thelma Schnee, Maurice Rapf and Robert Hamer, directed by Robert Hamer. The film was released in the US under the title The Detective. The movie was produced by Paul F Moss, the husband of Thelma Schnee. The picture was released on June 8 and Moss died 5 days later. Thelma had given birth to a daughter on June 5 1954. Alex Guinness plays Father Brown and Peter Finch plays Gustav Flambeau.

Father Brown is caught stuffing a safe with cash, he was putting the money back to help a parishioner, played by Sidney James, the police don't believe him and pop him in the nick. The Bishop comes to confirm who he is and the police let him out. He gets a telling off by the Bishop, played by Cecil Parker, who then informs him he's to loan his church's 1200 year old cross to a meeting in Rome. The police, in the form of Inspector Valentine, played by Bernard Lee, want to ship the cross with guards to keep it from being stolen by famous thief Gustav Flambeau. Father Brown refuses their help, stating he'll carry the cross in a nondescript parcel, hiding in plain site as it were.

Father Brown makes it to Paris before Flambeau, disguised as a priest, steals the cross. He leaves Father Brown tied up in a catacomb. Now Father Brown is in hot water with the church hierarchy. He tries to lure Flambeau out with a fancy silver chess set belonging to his friend Lady Warren, played by Joan Greenwood, but the thief proves to be slippery and runs off with the set. When Father Brown and Lady Warren return to her house they find Flambeau there with the chess set. Sidney James's character is now Lady Warren's chauffeur. Valentine turns up and Father Brown helps him escape.

Now Father Brown is in trouble with the church and the police, he runs off to Paris to try to find Flambeau and get the cross back. He follows the few clues he has and successfully locates Flambeau. He wants hm to repent and return everything he stole. That almost works, the police show up and recover the goods but the thief escapes. Days later Flambeau turns up at Father Brown's church during the sermon.

It's an entertaining movie with a good script and cast. Besides the few mentioned I knew Ernest Clarke, Sam Kydd, John Horsley, Jack McNaughton and Eugene Deckers. I found it on the Internet Archive, link above. I'll definitely want to watch it again sometime.

Murder At Dawn 1932

Murder At Dawn 1932 Original story and screenplay by Barry Barringer, directed by Richard Thorpe. An American old dark house sort of mystery that was called The Death Ray in the UK. Oddly enough, there is no death ray in the film. The poster is a lie.

A couple want to visit her father to tell him they are getting married. The couple and their best man and woman travel by train to his country mansion. The bride's father is a scientist who's invented a secret device to get power from sunlight. When they get the father's house they get tossed into a mystery, a man is murdered and the bride's father has disappeared. The couple and their pals stumble around the big house while the housekeeper's son tries to coerce the formula out of father. Misha Auer plays the housekeeper's son. Probably the most interesting thing in the movie for me.

Sadly it's a limp biscuit of a film. You've seen everything before, usually better. The jokes are weak and the all the running about is more tiring than fun. I found it on YouTube. you can find it there but I wouldn't recommend it.

The Wicked Dreams Of Paula Schultz 1968

The Wicked Dreams Of Paula Schultz 1968 Story by Ken Englund, screenplay by Albert E Levin, Nat Perrin and Burt Styler, directed by George Marshall. An American comedy with Bob Crane, Elke Sommer, Werner Klemperer, John Banner and Leon Askin. All the men listed worked together on Hogan's Heroes.

Bob is a bit of a low life, dealing in the black market in Berlin. Elke is an athlete who pole vaults over the Berlin Wall. Bob hides her then sells her to the East German propaganda minister. He realizes he was in love with her so he dresses up as a woman and goes after her. Bob's an opportunist creep, I wasn't buying anyone wanting to date him after his betrayal.

It's well below average, I gave it a generous 4 because I liked seeing all the Hogan's Heroes cast. I'm a pushover for John Banner. The script is rather dumb and the jokes weak. You can see a so-so copy on YouTube. I'm sure I don't need to see it again.

Takin' It Off 1985

Takin' It Off 1985 Written by Bob Canning and Ed Hansen, directed by Ed Hansen. Ed's big claim to fame, to me, is he was an editor on The Bullwinkle Show from 1959 to 1963. Starting in 1983 he made 13 films, he stopped in 1995 and died in 2005. I've only seen this film, I'm not likely to search the others out.

Kitten Natividad stars in this rather low rent Russ Meyer's type nudie film about a stripper who wants to be an actress. That's the plot, the script is rather poor and the jokes are broad and weak. There's not much going on. It's more and excuse to wave some nudie boobies around. Kitten and Meyer lived together off in the 1970s and 1980s. He paid for her breast implants and that's about the most interesting thing related to the movie. There's no good reason to want to watch it. Angelique Pettyjohn is the only recognizable name in the cast, at least to me.

Your Money Or Your Wife 1960

Your Money Or Your Wife 1960 Based on the play Count Your Blessings by Ronald Jeans, screenplay by Ronald Jeans and directed by Anthony Simmons. A British film about inheritance and divorce.

Donald Sinden and Peggy Cummings are married and in debt. They rent rooms to tenants who are behind on their rent. Peggy's aunt leaves them some money but it's doled out monthly. There's a bit that gets them thinking of divorce, they can access a large chuck of the inheritance if they split. Trouble with that is getting grounds for divorce. It leads to some comic bits.

Despite the script being a bit dull and weak jokes it's generally fun to watch. Richard Wattis is the actor that stands out among the cast. Barbara Steele pops up for a few scenes.

Just For Fun 1963

Just For Fun 1963 Written by Milton Subotsky and directed by Gordon Flemyng. Milton was the co-founder of Amicus Films. Gordon directed the Dr Who feature films and oodles of TV programs like The Saint, The Avengers, The Baron, Cribb, Bergerac, Lovejoy and many more. Nicholas Roeg is the chief cameraman. The movie had some nice set decoration for the musical numbers that aired on TV. I wonder where that big Easter Island head went.

In Britain teenagers get the right to vote, the established parties work to earn their votes but the teens start their own party. The plot is just something to hang all the musical numbers on. The film is packed with musical numbers, there are 28 of them, many of the songs are about 2 mins, the running time is just 84 mins. Most of the artists I hadn't heard of before, I did know a few singers and bands like: Bobby Vee, The Crickets, Freddy Cannon and Clodagh Rodgers.

With all those songs the movie hasn't got much time to be getting on with the plot. The plot part of the script is pretty skimpy and it's rather light on jokes. I enjoyed some of it and fast forwarded through the lesser musical numbers. I wouldn't need to see it again but I was glad to see it this one time.

The Narrowing Circle 1956

The Narrowing Circle 1956 Based on the 1954 novel of the same name by Julian Symons, screenplay by Doreen Montgomery, directed by Charles Saunders. A British crime film about a crime writer framed for murder.

Paul Carpenter plays writer Dave Nelson, he works for a magazine producer, he seems to be in line for an editor job. When he comes to work one day he finds he's got to share his office with Rosemary Speed, played by Hazel Court, and both of them like to dictate. Dave looses the editor job when the board pick another editor. Later Dave gets the brush off from the food editor, she dumped him for the editor who got the job he wanted. Dave hits the bar, gets drunk, picks up Christie and takes her to a sleazy hotel. That turns out to be a mistake, especially the part where he signs the register with a fake name.

When Dave wakes in the AM she's gone. He goes home and finds a dead body in his living room. The stiff is the guy who got the editor job. The police half believe his story but it all looks rather suspicious. Things get pretty grim for Dave, the sleazy hotel desk clerk doesn't remember him, it looks worse when the desk clerk gets murdered. They find Christie but she's dead too. Lucky for Paul he gets a hand from Rosemary.

It's got a fairly entertaining and fun script and the cast is good. I enjoyed it despite it being about average. I'd probably get around to it again some day. Link in the title above.

Early To Bed 1936

Early To Bed 1936 Written by Arthur Kober, Lucien Littlefield, S J Perelman and Chandler Sprague, directed by Norman McLeod. An American comedy with Charlie Ruggles and Mary Boland. Both of them were a big hit in Ruggles Of Red Gap the year before.

Charlie and Mary play Chester and Tessie, they've been engaged for 5 years with out setting a date. The couple had been dating for 15 years before that and Tessie is tired of waiting to be a bride. Chester claims he's got a secret problem that makes him leery of getting married. It's pretty benign, he sleepwalks. Chester is a bit a nervous nelly.

As Tessie puts the pressure on Chester he gives in and they set the date. Sadly Chester's boss won't give him any time off. While this is going on Chester's boss is annoyed by his salesmen failing to land a big contract with Horace B Stanton. Stanton's left town for a resort so Chester devises a plan, he'll marry Tessie and honeymoon at the same resort. What they don't know is the place is a resort for those seeking the cure for what ails you.

Chester gets knocked out by Stanton's golf ball. The pair become friends but a robbery and murder complicate the story. Eventually things work out well for everyone, other than the dead guy, he's still dead.

I enjoyed it. It's no Ruggles Of Red Gap but it was fun for what ails me. One can always use a shot of humor.

Friday Night Movies 1038

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice 2024 Story by Alfred Gough, Miles Millar and Seth Grahame-Smith, screenplay by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, directed by Tim Burton.

The Deetz's are back and movie opens with the death of Charles Deetz, husband to Delia and father to Lydia. They gather for the funeral in Winter River and Delia plans to sell the old house from the first movie. Lydia has become the host of a popular ghost program. Her daughter Astrid is in college, she's dragged to the funeral. She doesn't believe in the afterlife. Lydia's dating her producer Rory, he's a horrible man. He proposes to Lydia at the funeral reception and she accepts because she's not strong enough to stand up to him.

Beetlejuice is running a afterlife business staffed by shrunken head guys in nice big yellow suits. We find out Beetlejuice was married to Delores LaFerve when he was living. She's a soul sucker and he had to chop her into pieces to keep her from sucking the life out of him. A dead janitor collects the pieces of her body, she reassembles and starts sucking souls. The janitor was the first to go. She starts hunting Beetlejuice, sucking souls as she moves about. She was the one who killed him, he chopped her up before he died.

Delia is killed by some poisonous snakes she bought from some shady person on the internet. Astrid meets a nice boy, she doesn't know he's a dead baddie, he tricks her into the afterlife so he can steal his soul and return to the world of the living. Rory doesn't believe that Lydia is haunted by Beetlejuice and calls him into the world of the living by saying his name 3 times. We'd have no movie if any of the people would act sensibly. There are a whole lot of other plot points to pad out the movie to 104 mins.

I enjoyed most of the movie and would be interested in seeing it again someday. The Blu-ray is on my Wanted List. It colorful and noisy but I thought it was a bit slow.  The musical numbers were dragging it down for me. It was mostly fun and Bob is my favorite character.

Bog 1979 Written by Carl Kitt and Don Keeslar. An American horror film made in Wisconsin. Like a lot of independent film this one has hired a number of older veteran actors from TV and film: Marshall Thompson, Gloria DeHaven, Aldo Ray and Leo Gordon.

Aldo is the sheriff in a small Wisconsin town, Marshall is a doctor, Gloria and Leo are scientists. There's a monster living in the bog, some fish blasting wakens it, people start to die when the bog creature starts sucking all the blood out of the victims. The bog creature kills a good number of citizens and tourists. Aldo and his deputies try to fight it but it's a tough beast, many folks die before an accident starts a fire and it's burnt up. Lucky for the story, some eggs are left for a sequel that hasn't been made yet.

It's rather a weak film that's in rough physical shape. I guess no one saved the negatives or there was no money to try to clean it up. Oh well. It gets a 3.2 on the IMDb. I gave it a 4 out of pity. I did get a few laughs, not a jokes though. I doubt I'd need to watch it again, I wouldn't need the Blu-ray it shares with Mako: The Jaws Of Death. We watched the first few mins of that and it might be better. We'll see.